Wednesday, October 22, 2008

"I can't believe I'm losing to this guy": 1988 SNL parody of Dukakis-Bush Debate

video here

TRANSCRIPT:

Peter Jennings: Good evening. I'm Peter Jennings, in Los Angeles awaiting the start of the second and final presidential debate between Michael Dukakis and George Bush. As you may know, the League of Women Voters withdrew their sponsorship of this debate, citing unreasonable demands by both candidates. In fact, one of the conditions of the Bush camp requires us to tell you what's on other channels. On HBO is "The Sensuous Nurse", starring Ursula Andress and Udo Kier; on Showtime, "The Making of 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?'", an entertaining look at this summer's blockbuster hit; and on ESPN, a repeat of the LSU-Georgia Tech Southeast Conference showdown. And the Democrats have asked us to announce that C-Span will be rerunning the Bentsen-Quayle debate at 4 a.m. Eastern time. Well, this debate is about to start, so let's go to the moderator - Diane Sawyer.

Diane Sawyer: Good evening, I'm Diane Sawyer of "60 Minutes". Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice-President George Bush and Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis. Gentlemen.

[ Bush and Dukakis enter the arena, the taller Bush immediately patting an angry Dukakis on the head. Bush stands behind his podium. Dukakis, too short for his podium, raises himself via a hidden scissorlift - now, up too high, he lowers himself to an optimum height. ]

Diane Sawyer: Our panel of questioners are Elizabeth Dowd of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Sam Donaldson of "ABC News", and syndicated columnist Carl Rowen. The first question goes to Governor Dukakis, and will be asked by Elizabeth Dowd.

Sam Donaldson: [ waving frantically ] Governor Dukakis!! Governor Dukakis!!

Michael Dukakis: Sam.

Sam Donaldson: Your leadership style has been described as technotronic, cool, emotionally dead. Even your closest admirers admit that sometimes you are distant and aloof, a bit of a cold fish. Pundits are saying that one of the reasons you trail in the polls is that you are uninspiring, and seem totally devoid of passion.

Michael Dukakis: What's the question?

Sam Donaldson: Well, I suppose the question, Governor, is do you have the passion necessary to lead this country?

Michael Dukakis: [ unemotional ] Sam, that kind of asperation to my character, quite frankly, makes me - well, there's no other word for it - enraged. Maybe I shouldn't say that in the heat of the moment, but I can't control myself. I apologize for flying off the handle. And I'm just sorry my kids had to see me like this.

Diane Sawyer: Mr. Bush. Rebuttal?

Sam Donaldson: [ interrupting ] Mr. Vice-President!! Mr. Vice-President!!

George Bush: Sam.

Sam Donaldson: Do you really think SDI, or Star Wars, will work? Do you really think it's possible to create a shield that would prevent any or all nuclear missles from striking the United States?

George Bush: I'm glad you asked me that, Sam.. because tonight I can reveal something that's just been declassified. The key to SDI, to the whole concept, is a Time Machine. It's a beautiful idea. Let's say the Soviets launch a surprise attack, and a few of their missiles do get through our floating network of particle beam lasers. Then we use the Time Machine. We go back in time, before the surprise attack. It's defensive, it's clean, and it'll save our kids in the event of a Russian first strike. Now, who could be against that?

Diane Sawyer: Governor Dukakis?

Michael Dukakis: Well, if such a Time Machine were possible, I'd like the vice-president to explain why we haven't been visited already by time travelers from the future. You can't tell me that responsible members of a future government of the United States wouldn't, with access to a Time Machine, come back to reverse some of the mistakes - cockamamie mistakes - made by this administration. Of course they would! This idea is ridiculous! Spending billions and billions on a Time Machine whose very existence defies logic is, in my mind, lunacy.

George Bush: Well, Mr. Massachusettes, Harvard Yard Braniac. You may prove to yourself that it's impossible, but I think I'm like most Americans who'd rather see a Time Machine with an American flag on the side, and not a hammer and sickle.

[ the audience applauds ]

Diane Sawyer: Please, as I warned you before, hold down your reaction. It will only come out of your candidate's.. [ a tub of popcorn is thrown at her - she holds back her tears ] That was uncalled for. Next.. Sam Donaldson, with a question for Governor Dukakis.

Sam Donaldson: Vice-President Bush, there are millions of homeless in this country - children who go hungry, and lacking in other basic necessities. How would the Bush administration achieve your stated goal of making this a kinder, gentler nation?

George Bush: Well, that is a big problem, Sam, and unfortunately the format of these debates makes it hard to give you a complete answer. If I had more time, I could spell out the program in greater detail, but I'm afraid, in a short answer like this, all I can say is we're on track - we can do more - but we're getting the job done, so let's stay on course, a thousand points of light. Well, unfortunately, I guess my time is up.

Diane Sawyer: Mr. Vice-President, you still have a minute-twenty.

George Bush: What? That can't be right. I must have spoken for at least two minutes.

Diane Sawyer: No, just forty seconds, Mr. Vice-President.

George Bush: Really? Well, if I didn't use the time then, I must have just used the time now, talking about it.

Diane Sawyer: No, no, Mr. Vice-President, it's not being counted against you.

George Bush: Well, I just don't want it to count against Governor Dukakis' time.

Diane Sawyer: It won't. It will come out of the post-debate commentary.

George Bush: Do you think that's a good idea?

Diane Sawyer: You still have a minute-twenty, Mr. Vice-President.

George Bush: Well, more has to be done, sure. But the programs we have in place are doing the job, so let's keep on track and stay the course.

Diane Sawyer: You have fifty seconds left, Mr. Vice-President.

George Bush: Let me sum up. On track, stay the course. Thousand points of light.

Diane Sawyer: Governor Dukakis. Rebuttal?

Michael Dukakis: I can't believe I'm losing to this guy!

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